Personal Essay: The Conflict Between Finding My Self and My Insecurities

I constantly pictured myself in the lives of others; especially those who are better than me; more skilled than me; or attractive and well-liked by others. I was driven by a desire to be one of them. How I wish I had that kind of life; maybe I would live and be on a better path, or maybe I would enjoy my life if I lived just like one of those individuals. When I was engrossed in this thinking, I didn't recognize how I was gradually falling, sinking into deep insecurities, and losing my confidence. I was imprisoned, and I didn't even realize the need to search for myself. It felt as if my eyes were covered with thick black smoke, blurring my vision, yet at the same time, I've been so concerned about being like the individuals I'm jealous of that I've neglected my respect and sense of self-awareness.

To become who "I" am now, I had to go through these hard moments in my life. To be honest, it is still not that clear; my head remains blank, my heart is half full, and my vision is still somewhat fuzzy, not literally, but deep down I know that even though I progressed, I have improved; some part of me feels as if I was missing myself. Maybe the reason was that I felt so insecure about myself that it worsened, and I didn't realize it was influencing my social life. I was worried that I wasn't living up to everyone's expectations, so I forced myself to be like everyone else.

I treated myself differently because I was insecure, and because I was so different from others, I felt so far away from them that I chased after them and attempted to be like them. Most people were outgoing, some were clever and skillful, some were attractive, and some were adored by many. I tried to satisfy my insecurities by imitating them, but it turns out I don't fit in the picture. I've been pushed into a corner because I was acting like the people I was not, making me feel inferior and wrong.

 I realize that I'm not an outgoing person, I realized that I'm not smart, and I'm not appealing to anyone's eyes. At this point gradually because to the bottom of the sea of insecurities, drowning and losing myself, because I had no one to ask for help, guidance, and assistance. I was scared that if I tried, they would push me away as well. I fought this struggle alone, and it took me a long time to realize that my insecurities were holding me back. If it weren’t for my realization, my awakening, I would still be lying dormant in the deep, surrounded and drowning by my insecurities.

With my countless mistakes and failures, because I was jealous and trying to be someone else, I decided to stop that negative mindset. I tried looking for myself, for me to lift myself, to flourish on my own without trying to be like others, without thinking about others. I wanted to focus on myself, I wanted to fix who I was that I broke because of insecurities. After many years of battling with my insecurities; I saw myself, I found who am I as a person, and I discovered my true self. By believing in what I can do and that is trusting myself and grabbing opportunities for activities that I want to do and desire. Then I also knew I was different, but I was seeing this “difference” incorrectly. When I saw my difference differently, I saw their beauty, their uniqueness, and that is I’m outgoing, I’m smart, and I’m everything I need in my way.

For many years I tried to follow and compare myself to others, not knowing that I can be myself in my way, in my efforts, and in my style. The reason why I feel insecure was that I was not appreciating what I already have, who I was, and what I can do. I was insecure because I do not trust and appreciate myself. It turns out I’m more than I thought I could be, it turns out I can be more than insecure. I started believing in myself, I trusted what I can do, and I appreciate every part of myself;  what I wanted to be, and I followed it instead of chasing and comparing myself to others. When I knew myself, I gained control over my actions, decisions, and my way of thinking. Whenever I feel insecure, I always remind myself that they are different from me, and I’m different from them, what matters is I’m growing, improving, and changing. Their achievements in life are different from mine, this is who I am, and being insecure only wastes my time growing as a dedicated and motivated individual who tries to be more of himself day by day.

Insecurities cannot be avoided, they will continue to chase after you, they will haunt you, and they will always stay inside us all. But one thing that we can do to battle this negative state of mind is to look at it differently. The reason why we feel insecure is that we focus on what we do not have, forgetting that we have more than enough. The reason why we feel insecure is that we focus on our failures, and mistakes, and view ourselves as inferior human beings. Instead of seeing insecurities as a source for doubt and anxiety to believe in oneself, use them as fuel, the energy, and as a source to drive one’s inspiration to achieve self-love and appreciation, to divert negative thoughts into positivity, greatness, well-being, and simply focus on us growing and learning more things about what we can do today, and in the future ahead.